Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Joys of Motherhood

My goodness, life is busy. Ok, maybe it is just a matter of perspective. After all, I am sitting here watching Young and the Restless writing in a blog. We have been blessed with some pretty good weather her lately and so we have been getting out a lot. The girls are not quite walking yet, so we go through about 3 pairs of paints a day from crawling through the dirt. Who knew I would love sitting on my stoop watching my two daughters crawl up and down the stairs. Who knew that the best part of my day is after breakfast when I collapse on the floor and the girls climb all over me. Who knew that when the girls go take a nap, I want them to wake up so we can play. I had no idea that I could feel this much joy from two little people.

Today is recovery day from this weekend. The girls stayed at their grandparents for two nights! It was torture. By Sunday morning, I wanted to fly to get them. We got a lot done without them roaming around, and I was even able to read more then a page of my book. It was good times by all. But with all the running around, we are in need of a good play at home day. So that is what we are doing. Here are some pictures to help you see why I am so in love with my girls...homemaking, that's a different story.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Budget Smudget

One of my self imposed duties as a homemaker is to make sure all the bills are paid. I have never hated anything in my life until now. I hate it. My husband would be happy to take it over, but, nnoooo, I need to prove some ridiculous point to myself. I do not even know what the point is yet, but I am sure it will be good.

Before I was married I had been a full time student and waitress or some other retail whore. So, it was paycheck to paycheck with very little bills. Now, we have a steady income and more bills then I care to admit. While we are very fortunate, and I should shut it, I have this idea that if I miss something I am going to lose everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Not just the income, or the service attached to the bill, but my husband, my daughters, our home, my sanity, everything. I honestly think that if I miss a cell phone bill, my family will disappear. My reaction, miss every cell phone bill. After all if I do not deal with it it is not real...right?

So, I have started on some self imposed therapy to heal my self imposed crazy brought on by my self imposed duty list. Me me me. My therapy is to do it. Pay bills on time. Sounds easy. We will see how it goes. Next therapy, stop biting my nails.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Define Define Define

I have an undergraduate degree in women's studies. I blame that for my need to define everything I say. I have a fear that people will judge me if I do not explain some words, but I think I am justified in judging others. It's just the way I roll.

So, to start off, reluctant. Common definition is unwillingness. My definition is a head down, feet stomping defiance. I am willing to be a homemaker. I am happy to do it. I just have an undying need to self sabotage all good things in my life. As a result, I am reluctant to succeed as a homemaker.

Now on to homemaker. Common definition is one who manages ones home, mainly as ones daily activity. I agree with that one. I am a manager of the home. A second rate, middle manager. I try. But, like I said, I tend to make things harder then they need to be. I have a masters degree in Public Administration, my current boss things I am capable enough to organize her tasks, but I can not seem to put my thinker around how to manage my own house. Hands down the easiest house to organize. I just need to make it hard.

I need to tell you that I signed up for this. I was made to have these beautiful daughters. I was made to spend the rest of my life with this man. I am grateful that I get to stay home and do this. But, damn, this is a lot harder then I thought.

Getting Started

Damn. I am blogging. I hate me. I would rather search other blogs, get frustrated when you do not answer my questions, judge everyone and live in my own private bubble. Instead, I start my own blog. Super.

The main reason I wanted to do this is because I have not found "the site." I want answers dammit! Like, how the hell do you keep your house clean? No, really? How do you fight the urge to sit in front of the TV all day? When do you plant tomatoes in Minnesota? What can you do to help your husband understand that you are always right? How do you manage other peoples lives without managing other peoples lives? How do you keep a budget when you hate a budget? Simple questions really. So I Googled "homemaker." I have nothing against Christian Mothers. I might even be one (just don't tell my husband). But, I do have something against people who say they are Christian Mothers. It's like some group that never invited me to play. I really don't want to play, but a conversation would be nice. Apparently, homemakers are Christian. Damn. Who knew. I should have put that on my resume to stay at home with my kids.

So, that being said, I could only find things that advocated a full day of cleaning every other day, between the food shopping, lawn work, social life and the whole watching the kids thing. I have two infants and I want to play. I also want a clean house. I also want to cook good healthy dinners. And I want to make my husband happy. And I want to have creative spaces for my daughters. Oh, and I want to want to work my 10-20 hours a week. Then there is the need to hang out with friends (like that ever happens) and our families. So, how do I that? Can I google this paragraph and find the answer. mmmm, probably not.

Here is it. This is my answer. I am going to get up tomorrow, do what I can, laugh as much as possible, and have faith (see, told ya) that what needs to get done, will.

I hereby declare this blog to be my journey. It is my hope that by telling you about it, you can help me and I can help me. So, here goes. I will keep you posted.